You’ve been invited to dinner. You’ve accepted, you know what you’re wearing, and you’re looking forward to the evening.
Then comes the question:
Should you bring something?
Flowers? A bottle of wine? Chocolates? A little gift for the hostess?
Today, arriving at someone’s home with a small token of appreciation seems like such an established custom that it’s easy to assume it has always been considered proper etiquette.
Surprisingly, it hasn’t.
Here’s a bit of etiquette history we find particularly interesting.
According to the Emily Post Institute, Emily Post was asked on her 1938 radio program about bringing flowers, chocolates or wine to dinner. Her response was essentially that a guest shouldn’t feel the need to compensate, or “bribe”, a host for offering hospitality.
In other words, your invitation to dinner was just that: an invitation. It wasn’t a transaction that required repayment at the front door.
Modern etiquette has changed considerably. The Emily Post Institute now says that while a hostess gift is not required for a casual dinner, dinner-party guests will often bring a small gift unless they are close friends who entertain one another frequently.
Read: Should I Bring a Gift for My Host? | Emily Post Institute
We rather like the distinction.
A hostess gift should be a gesture of appreciation, not the price of admission.
For an ordinary dinner with good friends you see all the time? Probably not necessary.
If someone is having you into their home for the first time, has planned a special dinner, or is extending hospitality that goes beyond your usual casual get-togethers? A small gift is a lovely gesture.
The key word is small.
This isn’t the time for an extravagant present. You don’t want your gift to make the host feel as though an invitation to dinner has created an obligation.
Debrett’s takes a somewhat more traditional approach, saying a good guest should arrive with a suitable hospitality gift and suggesting wine, flowers or chocolates as dependable choices.
Read: Everyday Etiquette | Debrett’s
Which brings us to another question:
What should you bring?
A beautiful bouquet seems like the perfect hostess gift.
And it can be.
But imagine your host answering the door just as something on the stove needs attention. You hand over a gorgeous armful of flowers, and now she needs to find a vase, trim the stems, fill it with water and decide where to put them.
Your thoughtful gift has just become another item on the to-do list.
The Emily Post Institute specifically suggests that, when possible, flowers be brought already arranged in a vase or other container.
That seems wonderfully considerate.
Another option? Have flowers delivered earlier in the day or send them the following day as a thank-you.
Wine is another classic choice, but there is one bit of etiquette that is sometimes misunderstood.
If you bring a bottle of wine as a gift, don’t expect the host to serve it that evening.
They may have carefully chosen wines to accompany the meal. Your bottle may not work with the menu, or they may simply want to enjoy it another day.
Debrett’s makes this point specifically: when you bring wine to someone’s home for dinner, the host is under no obligation to open it that night.
Read: World of Wine | Debrett’s
Give it and forget about it.
It’s a gift, not a contribution to the bar.
Perhaps this is why we have such a soft spot for a pretty box of chocolates.
There’s nothing to arrange, nothing to refrigerate immediately and no expectation that they be served with dinner.
The host can tuck them away and enjoy them later.
Other easy possibilities might include a beautiful jar of preserves, cocktail napkins, a small candle, specialty olive oil, or some other modest treat you know the host will enjoy. Emily Post similarly recommends small entertaining items, consumables and other gifts that are easy for a busy host to receive.
The best hostess gifts have something in common:
They don’t create work.
So, should you bring a hostess gift?
Sometimes.
But we don’t think you need to arrive at every dinner clutching a bottle of wine simply because etiquette says you must.
Instead, think about the occasion and your relationship with the host.
If you want to bring something, choose a small, thoughtful gift that says:
“Thank you for having me.”
Not:
“Here’s something else you need to deal with before dinner.”
We recently explored this very question in a Manor & Meadow YouTube Short.
Watch: Should You Bring a Hostess Gift? | Manor & Meadow on YouTube
Etiquette changes. Customs change. Even Emily Post changed her mind.
But thoughtfulness never really goes out of style.